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Tuesday
Apr292014

« 19. How not to be mean to the oddballs »

Written by Rachel Green. Director, The Emotional Intelligence Institute. MBTI coach with over 25 years MBTI experience, and author of the new book: "INFJ: What's it like to be one."

I was talking to a friend recently about how she felt ostracised by her family. She's a lovely and dynamic, outgoing woman. An Extravert. The only Extravert in a family of Introverts.

And what do they do? Do they accept her for who she is? Do they understand she's just being true to her type? No! They put her down because she's different.

They think she is odd.

  • They think she has a problem because she doesn't respond to conflicts, pressure or interactions in the same way that they do.
  • They complain that she wants to talk things over right there and then, while they prefer to go quiet and think things over, sometimes for weeks.
  • They get upset when she brings up personal issues because they prefer to keep things to themselves.
  • They are challenged by her desire to bring conflict out into the open, by her yelling to get things off her chest, by her outgoing displays of affection.

Is she an oddball? No. If she were in a family of Extraverts I'm sure she'd be valued and accepted more readily.

Do you have people in your family or life that you think are oddballs? Have you ever asked yourself why you label them as oddballs? Is it just because they don't do things the same way as you do?

Here are some tips on how to get on with the different people in your family and team...

Different types have different aspects of emotional intelligence they find harder and easier. However, developing their emotional intelligence is vitality important for each type. Come join with me in this exciting new emotional intelligence coaching package and I will make sure it is personalised to you and your type.

Emotional intelligence tip 1: Develop greater understanding.

Could you develop greater understanding?

Instead of labelling someone as an oddball - take the time to find out why they do the things they do. Ask them.

For example, in the opening scenario, if you were one of the Introverts living with this Extravert, you might ask:

  • "How does it help you to clear things on the spot as they arise?"
  • "What are the benefits to you?"
  • "What is it about discussing personal issues that helps you?"
  • And then be really brave, "What is it that I do that makes it hard for you to communicate well?"
  • Or even, "How as a family do you think we can all communicate better to accommodate our needs and your needs?"

I wonder if you have ever asked your family, friends or colleagues that? Have you ever asked your team members that? If we can all learn more about the different types and accept them with understanding, we'd be less frustrated and happier.

Emotional intelligence tip 2: Work out the types you're with.

Work out what the types are in your family or team. Know them off by heart.

Find out what it means to be one of those types. Then learn what stresses that type.

Then discover how they like to communicate and how they like others to communicate with them. Find out what makes them tick. What do they value? What is important to them?

Then learn what irritates them about other people. And be willing to accommodate to the differences between you in a kind way. It's so easy to complain about others just because they don't seem to follow your rules or processes. It's much harder to be kind and tolerant. But the rewards are greater.

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Emotional intelligence tip 3: Draw on the strengths of the different people in your team or family.

My mother was known to call me an "oddball" and probably on more than one occasion! Why? Because I was the only iNtuitive in a Sensate family.

My iNtuitive responses, interests or values were not the same as the ones she expected. Instead of labelling me as an "oddball", my iNtuitive abilities to generate new solutions, or find meaning in abstract information, or to plan for the future, could have been incorporated into the culture of our Sensate family.

Instead I was told to "Stop day-dreaming", or asked, "Don't you have anything better to do with your time?" when I was doing a non-sensing activity.

It is so easy to try and make others be like you and to think that your way is the right way to do things. But it's not, it's only one of at least 16 ways. Now that is a challenge! Each type has enormous strengths. Use these strengths to bring richness to your team and family.

Different types have different aspects of emotional intelligence they find harder and easier. However, developing their emotional intelligence is vitality important for each type. Come join with me in this exciting new emotional intelligence coaching package and I will make sure it is personalised to you and your type.

EQ at work, INFJ: Get to know your type, increase communication effectiveness and lower conflict

There is so much that you or your team can learn so that you develop greater understanding of, and skills with, your communication, personality and relationships at work and home. The EI Institute has a number of options to help you:

  1. If you are an INFJ or live or work with one, then this 2018 book by Rachel Green, our Director, is a must read: "INFJ: What's it like to be one."
  2. If you are in Western Australia, a high energy, MBTI interactive team-building workshop can be organised for you: "Getting on: MBTI Team building".
  3. Meditation appeals to many introverts and we have a very popular audio-download on meditation called: "Happy Not Hassled". A perfect way to introvert and stay healthy.
  4. There is superior 1-1 coaching; and the MBTI is included as part of our smart leadership coaching package. You can find out your MBTI type and develop the skills you need, with Rachel Green.

For more details or to make a booking e-mail us now or pick up the phone and call us.